Bang the Bass
by The Lady Avaritia
Summary: The usual routine in ANBU when Itachi was still a captain there, has left bright legends in its way, and tainted many young minds.


**Title: **Bang the Bass

**Rating: **T  
><strong>Spoilers: <strong>general

**Characters**: Itachi; Shisui; Anko; Kakashi; Kurenai

Summary: The usual routine in ANBU when Itachi was still a captain there, has left bright legends in its way, and tainted many young minds.

**Disclaimer: **disclaimed

**Author Note:** I've been wanting to do this for ages! The conversation about the bars is from the TV show _How I Met Your Mother. _I didn't come up with it myself.

**Author: **_Lady Avaritia_

The ANBU of Konoha are infamous for being the most unprofessional set of ninja in all the nations. All of their cold blooded professionalism is replaced with complete insolence once a mission is complete. In fact, this is the very reason for Root's existence. Knowing the rest of ANBU, Danzo thought it would be safer to have a group of people, actually capable of being serious more than just 30 percent of the time.

Of course, being wildly notorious as they are, some of the Konoha ANBU are the stuff of legends among their colleagues in their own village, as well as others.

This is, of course, is not to say that they didn't complete their missions. The Konoha ANBU have a one hundred percent success rate when it comes to getting the job done.

It's their actions after the mission that have earned them their reputation.

To illustrate with an example, we will take a case from the documented files.

The mission is number 435567. task: Capture five-man cell of enemy shinobi dead or alive. If alive, hand over to T&I for interrogation; reclaim stolen scrolls; do NOT open stolen scrolls however curios you may be (Yes, kunoichi number 011226, I am personally addressing you). Signed: the Sandaime Hokage.

Xx

The mission was executed by a five men cell that consisted, as follows of:

Uchiha Itachi – captain, leader of the mission, Sharingan wielder. Mask: Weasel

Uchiha Shisui – second-in-command, Sharingan wielder; known for his ability to get Anko Mitarashi into 'Cursed Seal Pissed' mode. Mask: Crow

Mitarashi Anko – tokubetsu jounin, skilled dark arts user. Mask: Snake

Yuhi Kurenai – Chuunin, skilled ninjutsu and genjutsu user. Mask: Butterfly

Hatake Kakashi – jounin, Sharingan wielder, the Copy nin. Mask: Dog

These are the reports for the mission, as received by Itachi Uchiha, leader of the mission, and later the final report submitted to the Hokage by Itachi:

Xx

Mission Number 435567 as reported by Uchiha Shisui

So, yeah, we captured the target; there was a fight, I think… Itachi, you were so awesome! I didn't really pay attention, though…; I was too busy staring at Anko… Damn, she's so hot when she's fighting! And she wears nothing under her chest armor XD

Note by Itachi Uchiha: Yes, I noticed you were somewhere far off when we were fighting. I wish I hadn't learnt where you were…

Xx

Mission Number 435567 as reported by Mitarashi Anko

The squad split into two groups. One consisted of me and Shisui (Itachi, put me again with him, and I will spork those pretty eyes of yours out and sell them on the black market, get it?) and the other of the mission captain (incompetent you ;p) Kakashi Hatake and Yuhi Kurenai. Me and Shisui had the task of slowing the enemy nin down while the other team ambushed them. In the span of the fight, we managed to temporarily injure two of the enemy shinobi, fatally injure one (It was on accident, I swear!)and hand the remaining two for interrogation.

Note by Itachi Uchiha: Your threat was dully noted.

Xx

Mission number 435567 as reported By Hatake Kakashi

Gomenne, Itachi-kun. I stayed up late last night. I met this guy at "Lamey" His name was I…. I …I'll tell you when I remember it. So he needed a place to stay, and being the good citizen that I am, I offered him to stay in my house. We stood up late discussing…politics I guess I got kind of carried away…I'm sure you'll manage without my report anyway

Note by Itachi Uchiha: You could have written **something. **If you had time to write this. I hope you had an interesting discussion.

Xx

Mission number 435567 as reported by Yuhi Kurenai

The squad separated into two groups. The group consisting of Shisui Uchiha and Anko Mitarashi served as diversion for the enemy team, while the group consisting of me, Itachi Uchiha and Hatake Kakashi attacked. In the course of the battle Anko Mitarashi fatally injured one of the opponents. Uchiha Itachi's genjutsu incapitated one of the opponents, while I knocked one unconscious. Two others were injured by Hatake Kakashi. Uchiha Shisui did not partake in the battle. The scrolls were retrieved and the shinobi were handed over to the T&I team.

Note by Itachi Uchiha: Thank you Kurenai! I love you!

Xx

Mission number 435567 as reported to the Sandaime Hokage by Uchiha Itachi

The squad separated into two groups. The group consisting of Shisui Uchiha and Anko Mitarashi served as diversion for the enemy team, while the group consisting of me, Yuhi Kurenai and Hatake Kakashi attacked. In the course of the battle Anko Mitarashi fatally injured one of the opponents. My genjutsu incapitated one of the opponents, while Yuhi Kurenai knocked one unconscious. Two others were injured by Hatake Kakashi. Uchiha Shisui did not partake in the battle. The scrolls were retrieved and the shinobi were handed over to the T&I team. The mission was successful.

Note by the Sandaime: N/A

Xx

The following is an extract from Yahiro Kei, Iwagekure jounin's report for mission number 234567. Task: capture and bring scroll from Leaf village holding important information on the village's security measures.

Xx

Mission number 234567 as reported to the Tsuchikage by Kei Yahiro

'…the genjutsu over me was released. I looked around me to determine the situation. Aya Mudo showed no signs of life and her throat appeared to have been completely crashed. Ume Mishi was unconscious a few feet away from me; Kiriko Missaki and Kagami Shindo were sprouting minor injuries. We were surrounded by a five-man cell of ANBU shinobi and kunoichi. An ANBU with a crow mask was in the process of going trough our belongings, no doubt searching for the scroll that I had hidden in my left shoe.

A kunoichi with a snake mask was in the process of a heated discussion with what appeared to be the squad captain, a man with a weasel mask.

'Like hell, Itachi! I really truly am sorry! I swear I didn't mean to kill him…'

'Anko, if accidents like that keep happening you can be sure I will put in my word and have you removed… and anyway, we promised Ibiki five guys and we're only bringing him four!'

'What do I care? I hate the guy! The T&I think themselves so high and mighty…'

of course, it is no secret to anyone that the Konoha Torture and Interrogation department and the ANBU Black Ops have been at each other's throats for years, for no obvious reasons.

'if you want to get him a fifth one, just volunteer your friend Shisui! Fucking pervert! If I catch him staring at my chest again, I'll do something…. Malevolent.'

The kunoichi was yelling by now.

I find losing your temper like that in front of enemy shinobi, even incapitated ones, to be highly unprofessional.

The man in the crow mask was already checking me

'Oi, oi, Anko! It's not my fault you scarcely wear any clothes at all…'

at that point he had a kunai chunked at him, but managed to duck quickly enough. As a result the kunai hit my arm. The man, who was obviously Shisui, continued checking me.

'Sorry dude… those two geniuses over there are so…'

'Be very careful what you'll say next, Uchiha…' the kunoichi growled.

I could not believe it. I'd had doubts before but now I knew for sure. She was Anko! The snake-sannin's apprentice, body count over two hundred Mitarashi Anko! She is legend. All the forbidden techniques she uses in battle are enough to have anyone else put in jail!

'I FOUND IT!' Shisui exclaimed and waved the scroll.

'AH, gimme!' the Great Anko reached for the scroll.

'Um, sorry, Anko-san, no can do. Remember what the Hokage said? No peeking.'

Almost as soon as Anko had a reached, a woman with long dark hair and a butterfly mask appeared next to her and grabbed her wrist.

'But I wasn't going to… Gimme it!' Anko whined.

'Now, now, Anko, don't use the whiny voice, state what you want, and state it _calmly._ A man with gravity defying grey hair and a dog mask appeared.

'You sound just like my old sensei,' Anko scoffed.

The man didn't take it personally.

'So, where are we going to celebrate our victory?' he asked instead.

'I don't know, Kakashi. We have to write our reports tomorrow…' the squad leader said carefully.

Kakashi! As in Kakashi Hatake? The Copy nin, famous with title ANBU'S bitch; hence the mask, the guy is know for his one thousand techniques, and the countless numbers of people he's slept with on a myriad of occasions! I've seen two of ANBU's greatest legends!

'Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's club "Was", there's "Wrong"...'

'Those places shut down a long time ago…'  
>'Oh no!'<br>'Yeah "Oh No" shut down too!'  
>'There's "Where".'<br>'Where's "Where"?'

'"Where's where "Was" was isn't it?'  
>'No "Was" wasn't where "Where" was, "Was" was where "Wrong" was right?'<p>

'Okay...'

'No "Okay" that place is lame.'

' "Okay" is lame? I thought "Lame" was a gay bar... Or is that "Wrong"?'  
>'That's wrong, that's not "Wrong".'<p>

'Guys, focus!'  
>'Oh I like "Focus" let's go there!'<br>'Where?'  
>'Not "Where", "Focus"!'<p>

'I thought "Focus" was closed?'  
>'No, "Was" was closed; once "Was" shut down it reopened "Is Closed"'<br>'"Closed" is opened!'  
>'No, "Closed" is closed.'<p>

'Just pick a bar, okay?'

'Not "Okay" "Okay" is lame.'

'"Lame" is a gay bar!'

'Actually, guys, I winded up there on one occasion and I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "Lamey"'

'Okay, Kakashi…'

'Not "Okay"'

'"Okay" is lame"

"I know… A gay bar!'

'Ah, well…'

'Not "Well"!'

'So it's "Hopeless" then, isn't it?'

You must realize that all the while this conversation was going, me and the rest of our team were there, listening to a group of 'professional' ANBU ninja argue about… bars. It is my opinion that the Konoha standards are very, very low, as compared to other villages.

Me and the rest of the team wer afterwards transported to the T&I quarters and the ANBU squad dispatched towards their chosen destination...'

Note by the Tsuchikage: "Lame" is a gay bar, indeed. I fail to see how the fact that you were faced with some ANBU legends excuses your obvious incompetence. I am demoting to a chuunin.

Xx

The ANBU team did end up "Hopeless". The numerous passes that Shisui made at Anko were gradually accepted more and more warmly proportionally to the drinks said kunoichi consumed. Members of the Uchiha clan later the following morning claim to have heard inexplicable loud crashing sounds and screaming from Shisui's house later that night and early the following morning, though for entirely different reasons…

Kakashi Hatake, after a considerable amount of drinks, changed his whereabouts to "Lamey" more commonly known as "Lame".

Yuhi Kurenai met Sarutobi Asuma at "Hopeless". The events that took place between the two left her very much hopeful for the future. He got laid.

Uchiha Itachi drank just enough to have an agonizing headache the following day, and still be able to do paperwork.

The ANBU of Konoha are infamous for being the most unprofessional set of ninja in all the nations. All of their cold blooded professionalism is replaced with complete insolence once a mission is complete. In fact, this is the very reason for Root's existence. Knowing the rest of ANBU, Danzo thought it would be safer to have a group of people, actually capable of being serious more than just 30 percent of the time.

Of course, being wildly notorious as they are, some of the Konoha ANBU are the stuff of legends among their colleagues in their own village, as well as others.

This is, of course, is not to say that they didn't complete their missions. The Konoha ANBU have a one hundred percent success rate when it comes to getting the job done.

It's their actions after the mission that have earned them their reputation.


End file.
